23. Past-Meg Does Not Want

Finally writing again - it's true, I failed my NaBloMo goal, however there's always another month and the fact of the matter is I really enjoyed doing it, especially getting feedback from friends I don't get to talk to every day and realising, even if I'm not having new adventures at college every day anymore, my life's still got enough stories to tell not to be boring.

On Tuesday this week, I had a tech meeting in the morning, hosted at my old elementary school. I haven't been there in years so after it was over, I was on my lunch and still had to go to Wal-Mart, sooo I thought I'd take a few minutes to look around before heading out. The obvious reactions were there: I remembered the halls but things have changed - there are new teachers 'names where all the old ones used to be, the walls have been redone here or there, it wasn't nearly as dark as I remembered with the front hall being done completely in a deep brown brick. I thought about popping down to see the old band teacher cause he was a young guy back when I had him and I knew he still worked there... but no. I knew exactly which teacher I couldn't leave without peaking in on. In hindsight I'm a little embarrassed - that morning I'd forgotten to set my alarm for a half hour earlier so I had to run out of the house with no shower or make-up and very frazzled. I wasn't looking my best - don't know why that would matter to a teacher who had me when I wore nothing but sweatpants, or who coached me in those ugly softball uniforms... but it did. I hear Mr. Belter's booming voice before I even got to the end of the hall and lucky for me his door was open and he was standing at the front of the room in perfect eyeline of anyone who walked by. So I gave him a little wave and he obviously recognised me and waved back, although I could tell he wasn't sure how he recognised me. I chilled outside in the hall for a minute or two while he finished telling the kids their math assignment, then he came out to meet me - and I adore Mr. Belter.

He squinted at me and said "I know you..." I laughed, hinted that I was a previous student and softball girl and he I could tell it was on the tip of his tongue. As soon as I gave him my name, he pulled me into one of his big bear hugs and asked me how I was and what I'd been up to. The part that I'm still thinking about is my answer... I told him about my job at this elementary school, I told him I was there for a tech meeting... then I told him I went to school for digital arts, and when he asked if I was done with school I said yes. As in, graduated. I didn't really lie - though I have NO clue why I said digital art when I switched to Studio... and I knew full well he was assuming I graduated, but I didn't clarify otherwise. Then he said, with this big proud grin "I'm not surprised."

Yeah. I wouldn't be either as that's exactly what I was supposed to do - go to school for something I love, graduate with flying colors, be one of those Good Students I always was - not just in Mr. Belter's 6th grade class, but through Jr. High and high school. Ask anyone from my past and they would never have thought I'd be a college dropout. I've been getting away with telling most people that I just withdrew because I wanted to change programs, but the many F's and absences and breakdowns that led to that decision aren't ever in the discussion. The last thing I could do would be to disappoint my absolute favorite teacher in the world. I told him I was working until I could go back to school for education, again, he was ever-so proud and supportive. He brought me into the classroom and asked if I wanted to sit in and help out for the day. I would have given anything to be able to say yes and observe him teach from a non-student perspective. He's so awesomely joke-mean but in that way that makes kids love him - I think that's the skill Kenny always had as a counselor at camp too. I remember him high-fiving my best friend Nina for shoving a kid in the snow because the guy was being a jerkface. I remember him running us every day, got my best mile time ever that year. There was so much about his teaching style that I'm in awe of, because it seems to work on everybody.

He had photocopies of his previous classes from yearbooks and it was fun to find myself. One girl needed help with her math and he directed me over to her saying jokingly that I could probably help her better than he could and then she proceeded to ask me the circumference of a circle and I completely stood there like an idiot with my brain going "Geo...metry? lolwut?" and I had no clue - luckily apparently she wasn't supposed to be working on that and I got out of it but that was slightly frightening.

After ten minutes or so I admitted that I couldn't stay and had to get back to work, so he gave me another rib-crunching hug and we said goodbye. I walked out of there both so happy to have seen him again, especially in the classroom, and also... so, so disappointed in myself. Both that I'd stretched the truth about what I'd done just to make myself look more put together than I am, and of course that I'm not his Good Student anymore. Thinking about it, I feel like I've failed him a bit. Along with a few other teachers, and then of course all the way back to completely failing my parents.

It's all in the past, you know? And what's done is done, it does no good to sit here and stew about what I should have done because for some reason I didn't and the only thing to do is focus one what I'm doing now and what I'm going to do in the future. But I really can't help it when I'm reunited with my past constantly here in Stillwater. I love the town, I've realised that. I know why my parents chose here to live. But I'm getting tired of making up excuses and fibs to connect childhood-Meg with adult-Meg. They're two different people, and while everyone changes... I think I liked childhood-Meg better.

20. Girl-Vader NOOOoooo...

Thanksgiving break's over and while I really enjoyed sleeping in, and even spending what little time I did with my brother, I need to get back on a normal sleep schedule. I've gotten about 2 hours of sleep for the last couple nights. My problem is I have a really hard time getting to sleep unless I'm so exhausted I have to pass out. Finally got there last night at about 2:30am, konked out while reading something on my laptop and woke up to find my glasses still on and it sitting on the bed in sleep mode.

Ross got Rock Band on Sunday for his birthday, and I think I like it just as much, if not more than he does. We've been having an awesome time with it, even if I have to play drums. I even bonded with his girlfriend when she came over Monday afternoon because she played it with us, and is brave enough to do vocals. We laughed and made fun of the ridiculousness of Ross's character (viking hat, goggles, blue hair and beard, plus the ugly, UGLY color comb of teal and red in all his clothes AND a warped toaster painted on his face). Jen's may have been pink up the wazoo, but at least she matched and had a decent ensemble. But yeah, been gettig my videogame fix from there versus WoW for the last few days. Plus after the mad rush to 80, I think my brain wanted a short break from it. AND I've been getting back to my forum rp a little bit. Took the time to make new journals and write up some bios.

I'm still feeling really good about my job. Seems like every time Im beginning to feel it's at all routine, I have a day that shakes things up. Not always in a positive way, but a lot of times so, and I love it. Today, we had a boy who's usually very enthusiastic and energetic acting sort of blase and apathetic. He didn't want to stick around to finish his work and he was getting unusually poor scores. One of our parent volunteers was starting to have some trouble with him arguing back about trying a lesson again, so I stepped in to deal with it for her - and apparently he needed a bit of a cry. Poor thing had some kids tell him they didn't like him this morning, and he told me he was lonely and asked why no one was playing with him. He's a good kid, too, so we talked about being lonely and that just because his friends weren't playing with him that morning, it didn't mean they didn't like him, etc. etc. He calmed down and seemed to understand, then tried his lesson again, acing it.

I dunno, kids get upset about this stuff all the time, plus some kids are just little assholes to each other, but this morning struck me a little bit. Not so much that he had that problem, it's not an unusual one for a kid to have, but that I knew how to talk with him about it. Not only that but instead of just trying to get him to cooperate and do his work, that I knew him well enough to ask "what's wrong?" instead. I could just tell he wasn't being himself. It reassured me that yes, I am good at this job outside of the computer part and busy work. I'm getting the differences in how to handle the kids, from the kids in the new play and having a Respect Rule during play practice right from the get-go, where no one talks while people are reading their lines, to this boy who really just needed to talk to someone before he could go back to feeling better and doing his work, to Girl-Vader, who I sadly caught literally CHEATING yesterday. The scores for the lessons just come up in a text document, and as awesomely smart as H is, she figured out it's easily editable and switched the numbers so she had a 9/9. I'd been suspicious for a bit when she'd been getting 7/9, the exact minimum she needed right, on her last 5 lessons but hadn't been able to catch her or Undo the document to the point to see it. (Stupid 1-step only Undo/Redo - I hate it) Luckily, the boy sitting next to her caught her and told me and I was able to Undo and see her original 5/9 score. Sigh. I think the saying about intelligence vs. obedience in dogs can be so true with kids too - the smarter they are, the less they listen to you. It's almost frightening how manipulative Girl-Vader can be. I hope she learns.

But yeah, I'm definitely feeling more comfortable in handling the little kiddos lately. Now if I could just stay awake for the week, I'll survive to winter break.

EDIT: HAHAHA little C, a boy I adore, is sitting across from me doing Spelling Blaster. I coughed and he turned to look at me - then he WINKED and said "piece of cake" and turned back to his computer. Oh yeah, and this morning I had J ask me "Are you even doing work?" when he saw me working (yes, working) on my laptop while the volunteers took care of the lab supervision. <3 them.

15. No means No!

What another day at work. I'm blogging now at the end of the day so I don't accidentally forget while WoWing it up tonight, but today was insane. This afternoon at one point I had one of those out of body experiences and saw myself in a movie - I stopped and put a hand to my head while ten 6 and 7 year old kids were all asking for my attention at once. I can just see the blurring, the voices of "Ms. Livermore? Ms. Livermoooooore!" in the background. Man. Barb was "sick" today, and she was supposed to have a sub, but I guess they couldn't get one or something because she definitely didn't. Then I got a call from the office saying that my usual Friday volunteer wouldn't be in again until December because she's now on crutches. Ouch. In both senses. So that leaves Tuesday AND Friday with no morning volunteers, and now that art's done, I'm getting a buttload of kids coming to me in the afternoon too. I felt so awful the whole time cause kdis come in and are either standing in line for ten minutes at a time or sitting there with their hands up for 5, waiting for me to go check their work. But what am I supposed to do?? WHY did both orange and yellow have to be sent at the SAME TIME this morning! And figures the one morning that there's pretty much no badges up on the badge board because instead of staying an extra 15 minutes like I usually do here yesterday afternoon to put up badges, I went home on time to play some WoW. Usually I ave time in the morning to go add badges to the badge board too, I didn't think anything of it. This was the first morning I had kids coming to me about no badges. That was intense.

Of course later, Mary, one of the other paras was just like "Why didn't you tell them you were full? Just send the kids back if you're overloaded." Heh. Oops. Duh, right? Well, I don't even know if that would work, because every time Barb tries that, the teachers are all "no, they're not, go back". Poor kids. I don't mind the afternoons as much because then I can at least have a little more easy-going conversation with the kids. JK, one of my favorites, brightens my day every day.. He comes on in to do Spelling Blaster every afternoon and hell, I don't even have to do anything with him. I give him a smile and a nod, he goes on back to his computer and just opens the program up and gets going no problem. It's brilliant. Plus the kid's just a cool guy. I used to play catch with him on the playground at recess and his mom volunteers every Wednesday morning - she's a pretty cool lady, so I guess it makes sense!

I was definitely in a Mood after lunch though. DST (Super Sweet Teacher is now Disturbingly Sweet Teacher) catches me while I'm handing out phone messages and asks me if I've taken pictures to send to the ita foundation people yet. What? Pictures? When there's a newsletter coming out in a week and a half, a play being put on in the same amount of time, you're sending me all thirty of your kids at once for 20 computers and I was supposed to be taking pictures since you mentioned it briefly as a 'what if' in passing yesterday afternoon AFTER making me send and format and edit your e-mail??

I said No.

And then I walked away.

5. Day in the Life...

Going to make this post a bit different... jot down little notes from the day. With the election news and all, thought it'd be easier than trying to sit down at the end of the day and summarize everything.

11:11am - omg make a wish! HAHA. I just looked at the clock to put down the first time and that's what it is. Gee - wonder what my wish was! Anyway, just finished the mad morning computer lab rush. Was trying to find somewhere online to track exit polls or something, but I guess those are still only tracked when they closed. FOOD TIME. >:D

12:30pm - JESUS. I swear all six year olds are bi-polar. HR came up to me while I was putting up badges, and I always get surrounded by kids when putting up badges, so I try to do it when they're busy/not around. They rarely are though, so usually I have at least 5 kids trying to "help" which means grabbing at the badges in my box and arguing over the new ones I'm putting up. Anyway! HR is a bit of a feisty little girl, I think she may have a slight mental thing, but it's not really noticeable. Could just be severe A.D.D. or something. At any right, she's funny and cute so as much as she can be a stubborn turd I don't dislike her in the least. She wants to help with badges but I tell her I don't need any help right now cause I'm almost done yadda yadda. So she asks if she can help later and I said maybe, so she gets happy, gives me a hug and a kiss on the cheek (I'm sitting on a mini-chair, so I'm at eye-level) and I'm all awwww - then she turns around and goes "WHERE'S MY PINK" in a growly voice. I don't even know what that means. But I am amused.

12:52pm - ... okay, teachers, let's have me work my ass off on ballots to the point where I drew the clip art. And then not use them. What. The. Hell.

1:00pm - All right, my ballots were used by about half the kids. Slightly less frustrated now.

1:45pm - Owned. Obama - 85, McCain - 41. If only my students determined the fate of the nation... er... in this one issue. Hell yeeeah! 1.75 hours until I vote!

4:15pm - VOTED! :D Took me longer to get through the McDonald's Drive-Thru than it did to vote. Wooo for getting off work an hour and a half before rush hour. Whew. So that was pretty easy, haha! Now, to try and chill until Kara tonight... oh yeah, path day in WoW. The Hallowed title, you are mine! Also, talked to Corlett on the phone on the way home and we squeed about Obama's chances.

7:11pm - Watching the results avidly until Kara raid starts up! So far, nothing to worry about but TV stations are putting a ridiculous amount of information on the screen at once. I'm trying to figure out what all these different numbers mean - is that projected? Is that called? Is that for the president or a Senate seat? Bleh! Megan, Kevin, and I disagreed with a guildie who was supporting the electoral college by saying he'd rather that than have the mostly uneducated public deciding these things and it got me a bit riled up. I really disagree with the electoral college - I think it's flawed and outdated and while yes, sucks to have the morons of the country make stupid voting decisions, but if we're a democracy then stay with that and deal with it, yeah? I don't mind everyone having a voice. And it's not even like the electoral college is made up of people making more educated decisions, it's supposed to reflect the majority of the votes in the State. It hasn't always done that in the past cause people screwed up the numbers, not because someone with an electoral vent went "I think they're dumb and uneducated, I'm voting opposite of them." Basically, the college is not doing what it's supposed to be doing and if we go on and on about everyone having a voice - let everyone have a freaking voice! /soapbox

10:04 pm - NBC HAS CALLED IT FOR OBAMA, along with others. I'm not gonna completely breathe easy, but pleeeeeeease. Now just keep Al Franken up there. And a miracle would be nice to get rid of Bachman.

11:38pm - Okay, I have to post this before the night is up so it still counts, but I was just talking to Whit on the phone and I can't believe how relieved I am. I can actually be proud to be under this president. This will take some getting used to.

1. Daddy, our baby's gone...

As I start off this blog, I'm not really sure what it'll become. I have a LiveJournal, but it's full of emo and rants and things very personal that I'm not particularly wanting the world at large to see. But I wanted to try NaBloPoMo for a month now that I've got a job and things to actually talk about every day besides trivial online drama or my own little mind. So I decided to start anew, with a blog rather than an LJ.

So anyway, I'm now working in an elementary school as a paraprofessional - Colony 1 computer tech. It's fun! I feel like it's my first real adult job - hell, I even get insurance! And the kids call me Ms. Livermore. I'm officially an Adult. Colony 1 is Kindergarten and 1st grade so I've gone from working with middle schoolers and high schoolers at the summer camp to the tiniest of the tiny. It's different - crazy - but not in a bad way. Just different. I've adjusted well enough, I think, instead of saying "Holy Crap" I've forced myself to say "Holy Cow" etc.

One thing I've found is similar whatever the age group, though - Parents. As horrible as a kid can behave, the parents take an entirely different skill set to deal with. Some are great! They volunteer and help with all the kids and have senses of humor and low and behold - their kids are usually great too. But there are the parents who either think their kid is God's Gift to the world and can do no wrong, so their kids end up being spoiled brats who don't think they need to follow the rules everyone else does. OR they're clingy, nosy, and hover around when they should really be letting us do our job and end up with oversensitive, babied children who are used to special treatment. It's ridiculous. We have a boy in our colony whose mother volunteers, which is great and all... but I never see her with a child that's not her own. She just follows him around all day! He comes outside late to recess, and if the kids do, they're not supposed to be able to go up to the big playground, they're supposed to stay back on the small one with the kids who chose to because they've missed the bell to go up. Teaches them to be on time and not dawdle getting their stuff together or in the lunch room. He comes out late, so we say he has to stay down, and his mom's all "Oh, I'll just take him up..." Lady, our inconvenience isn't the point here. We're trying to teach the kids the importance of being on time.

Then today, he comes in to play computer games, which the kids are allowed to do in the afternoons IF they have all their work done and have a computer pass. Well, they said that the substitute didn't know where the computer pass was, so that's all well and good, I set him up on a computer - and his mom follows him in and sits down next to him to play together. Bleh. I want to eyeroll a little bit but go on with my work when later it's time for his gym class, so i tell him it's time to stop and go to gym - he proceeds to have a fit if his mom won't come with him, which she won't because it's gym. But the fact that because his mummy wouldn't go with him he decided that meant he just didn't need to go - he said he was going to go home early with her and that gym and music weren't important. I winced. What an arrogant little turd. He's the type who argues with us over everything, and I know it's because of this. I hope he ended up going without his mum and if not that he doesn't get a bloody grade. It's ridiculous! You'd think parents would be easier to deal with, but the fact that you have no ability over them, can't hold them accountable - as bad as a kid can be, you have the power to do something about it. Parents know they can get away with it all... and I've come to really detest the ones who do.