Finally writing again - it's true, I failed my NaBloMo goal, however there's always another month and the fact of the matter is I really enjoyed doing it, especially getting feedback from friends I don't get to talk to every day and realising, even if I'm not having new adventures at college every day anymore, my life's still got enough stories to tell not to be boring.
On Tuesday this week, I had a tech meeting in the morning, hosted at my old elementary school. I haven't been there in years so after it was over, I was on my lunch and still had to go to Wal-Mart, sooo I thought I'd take a few minutes to look around before heading out. The obvious reactions were there: I remembered the halls but things have changed - there are new teachers 'names where all the old ones used to be, the walls have been redone here or there, it wasn't nearly as dark as I remembered with the front hall being done completely in a deep brown brick. I thought about popping down to see the old band teacher cause he was a young guy back when I had him and I knew he still worked there... but no. I knew exactly which teacher I couldn't leave without peaking in on. In hindsight I'm a little embarrassed - that morning I'd forgotten to set my alarm for a half hour earlier so I had to run out of the house with no shower or make-up and very frazzled. I wasn't looking my best - don't know why that would matter to a teacher who had me when I wore nothing but sweatpants, or who coached me in those ugly softball uniforms... but it did. I hear Mr. Belter's booming voice before I even got to the end of the hall and lucky for me his door was open and he was standing at the front of the room in perfect eyeline of anyone who walked by. So I gave him a little wave and he obviously recognised me and waved back, although I could tell he wasn't sure how he recognised me. I chilled outside in the hall for a minute or two while he finished telling the kids their math assignment, then he came out to meet me - and I adore Mr. Belter.
He squinted at me and said "I know you..." I laughed, hinted that I was a previous student and softball girl and he I could tell it was on the tip of his tongue. As soon as I gave him my name, he pulled me into one of his big bear hugs and asked me how I was and what I'd been up to. The part that I'm still thinking about is my answer... I told him about my job at this elementary school, I told him I was there for a tech meeting... then I told him I went to school for digital arts, and when he asked if I was done with school I said yes. As in, graduated. I didn't really lie - though I have NO clue why I said digital art when I switched to Studio... and I knew full well he was assuming I graduated, but I didn't clarify otherwise. Then he said, with this big proud grin "I'm not surprised."
Yeah. I wouldn't be either as that's exactly what I was supposed to do - go to school for something I love, graduate with flying colors, be one of those Good Students I always was - not just in Mr. Belter's 6th grade class, but through Jr. High and high school. Ask anyone from my past and they would never have thought I'd be a college dropout. I've been getting away with telling most people that I just withdrew because I wanted to change programs, but the many F's and absences and breakdowns that led to that decision aren't ever in the discussion. The last thing I could do would be to disappoint my absolute favorite teacher in the world. I told him I was working until I could go back to school for education, again, he was ever-so proud and supportive. He brought me into the classroom and asked if I wanted to sit in and help out for the day. I would have given anything to be able to say yes and observe him teach from a non-student perspective. He's so awesomely joke-mean but in that way that makes kids love him - I think that's the skill Kenny always had as a counselor at camp too. I remember him high-fiving my best friend Nina for shoving a kid in the snow because the guy was being a jerkface. I remember him running us every day, got my best mile time ever that year. There was so much about his teaching style that I'm in awe of, because it seems to work on everybody.
He had photocopies of his previous classes from yearbooks and it was fun to find myself. One girl needed help with her math and he directed me over to her saying jokingly that I could probably help her better than he could and then she proceeded to ask me the circumference of a circle and I completely stood there like an idiot with my brain going "Geo...metry? lolwut?" and I had no clue - luckily apparently she wasn't supposed to be working on that and I got out of it but that was slightly frightening.
After ten minutes or so I admitted that I couldn't stay and had to get back to work, so he gave me another rib-crunching hug and we said goodbye. I walked out of there both so happy to have seen him again, especially in the classroom, and also... so, so disappointed in myself. Both that I'd stretched the truth about what I'd done just to make myself look more put together than I am, and of course that I'm not his Good Student anymore. Thinking about it, I feel like I've failed him a bit. Along with a few other teachers, and then of course all the way back to completely failing my parents.
It's all in the past, you know? And what's done is done, it does no good to sit here and stew about what I should have done because for some reason I didn't and the only thing to do is focus one what I'm doing now and what I'm going to do in the future. But I really can't help it when I'm reunited with my past constantly here in Stillwater. I love the town, I've realised that. I know why my parents chose here to live. But I'm getting tired of making up excuses and fibs to connect childhood-Meg with adult-Meg. They're two different people, and while everyone changes... I think I liked childhood-Meg better.
On Tuesday this week, I had a tech meeting in the morning, hosted at my old elementary school. I haven't been there in years so after it was over, I was on my lunch and still had to go to Wal-Mart, sooo I thought I'd take a few minutes to look around before heading out. The obvious reactions were there: I remembered the halls but things have changed - there are new teachers 'names where all the old ones used to be, the walls have been redone here or there, it wasn't nearly as dark as I remembered with the front hall being done completely in a deep brown brick. I thought about popping down to see the old band teacher cause he was a young guy back when I had him and I knew he still worked there... but no. I knew exactly which teacher I couldn't leave without peaking in on. In hindsight I'm a little embarrassed - that morning I'd forgotten to set my alarm for a half hour earlier so I had to run out of the house with no shower or make-up and very frazzled. I wasn't looking my best - don't know why that would matter to a teacher who had me when I wore nothing but sweatpants, or who coached me in those ugly softball uniforms... but it did. I hear Mr. Belter's booming voice before I even got to the end of the hall and lucky for me his door was open and he was standing at the front of the room in perfect eyeline of anyone who walked by. So I gave him a little wave and he obviously recognised me and waved back, although I could tell he wasn't sure how he recognised me. I chilled outside in the hall for a minute or two while he finished telling the kids their math assignment, then he came out to meet me - and I adore Mr. Belter.
He squinted at me and said "I know you..." I laughed, hinted that I was a previous student and softball girl and he I could tell it was on the tip of his tongue. As soon as I gave him my name, he pulled me into one of his big bear hugs and asked me how I was and what I'd been up to. The part that I'm still thinking about is my answer... I told him about my job at this elementary school, I told him I was there for a tech meeting... then I told him I went to school for digital arts, and when he asked if I was done with school I said yes. As in, graduated. I didn't really lie - though I have NO clue why I said digital art when I switched to Studio... and I knew full well he was assuming I graduated, but I didn't clarify otherwise. Then he said, with this big proud grin "I'm not surprised."
Yeah. I wouldn't be either as that's exactly what I was supposed to do - go to school for something I love, graduate with flying colors, be one of those Good Students I always was - not just in Mr. Belter's 6th grade class, but through Jr. High and high school. Ask anyone from my past and they would never have thought I'd be a college dropout. I've been getting away with telling most people that I just withdrew because I wanted to change programs, but the many F's and absences and breakdowns that led to that decision aren't ever in the discussion. The last thing I could do would be to disappoint my absolute favorite teacher in the world. I told him I was working until I could go back to school for education, again, he was ever-so proud and supportive. He brought me into the classroom and asked if I wanted to sit in and help out for the day. I would have given anything to be able to say yes and observe him teach from a non-student perspective. He's so awesomely joke-mean but in that way that makes kids love him - I think that's the skill Kenny always had as a counselor at camp too. I remember him high-fiving my best friend Nina for shoving a kid in the snow because the guy was being a jerkface. I remember him running us every day, got my best mile time ever that year. There was so much about his teaching style that I'm in awe of, because it seems to work on everybody.
He had photocopies of his previous classes from yearbooks and it was fun to find myself. One girl needed help with her math and he directed me over to her saying jokingly that I could probably help her better than he could and then she proceeded to ask me the circumference of a circle and I completely stood there like an idiot with my brain going "Geo...metry? lolwut?" and I had no clue - luckily apparently she wasn't supposed to be working on that and I got out of it but that was slightly frightening.
After ten minutes or so I admitted that I couldn't stay and had to get back to work, so he gave me another rib-crunching hug and we said goodbye. I walked out of there both so happy to have seen him again, especially in the classroom, and also... so, so disappointed in myself. Both that I'd stretched the truth about what I'd done just to make myself look more put together than I am, and of course that I'm not his Good Student anymore. Thinking about it, I feel like I've failed him a bit. Along with a few other teachers, and then of course all the way back to completely failing my parents.
It's all in the past, you know? And what's done is done, it does no good to sit here and stew about what I should have done because for some reason I didn't and the only thing to do is focus one what I'm doing now and what I'm going to do in the future. But I really can't help it when I'm reunited with my past constantly here in Stillwater. I love the town, I've realised that. I know why my parents chose here to live. But I'm getting tired of making up excuses and fibs to connect childhood-Meg with adult-Meg. They're two different people, and while everyone changes... I think I liked childhood-Meg better.
2 comments:
Circumference = 2 * pi * radius!!!
I loved going back to see old teachers. Somehow, even seeing the ones you hated is fun. My first/second grade teacher is my faaaaavorite <3
Oi... Heavy stuff for your comeback post.
*hugs to start*
I miss the childhood-vague more days than not, too. But it is true and you are right. The childhood us is not the now us anymore. They are two different people. The childhood us has most definately influenced the now us, and occasionally we find ways to go back in time and revist that childhood us....
But when it all boils down, the adult-us is who we are and is a spring-board for who we are going to be. But it sounds like you already know that, yourself, and probably don't need me to tell it to you.
So, once again, Hang in there. Things will turn out, they have to. Smile, laugh, live and love. all those pesky little details will iron themselves out with time, yeah?
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