Back at home, back at work, etc. etc. Man... I was so emotional coming home on Sunday night. I'm such a SAP when it comes to my college friends. I miss them so much it can drive me a little crazy. I've got about four people now saying how awesome it'd be if I moved back down to Florida. And they're absolutely right - it would be VERY awesome. However, my job is here, and while it's not a permanent job in any sense of the word, it pays well, has fairly nice hours, and most importantly - I enjoy it. If I moved to Florida I'd lose the one reason I can consider moving out these days. The cost of living in Orlando or Boca, or even Florida in general is a lot higher than around here, and jobs don't pay nearly as much - even if I got an equivalent education job, their public school system down there is way underfunded. And without said nice job, I lack the funds to pay rent, and then that means that I won't be able to get the apartment.
So really, my only options if I really want to try and move to Florida are getting INSANELY lucky and somehow finding a job down there that's as good as my current one - or going back to school full time down there so that my parents would help a bit with rent. FAU looks to have a way nicer education program than I'd anticipated, so it's not... out of the question or anything, but there has to be a damn good reason to spend the money to move all the way down there and then subsequently spend the money I'd have to to travel home every holiday, yadda yadda - and I'm afraid "awesome roommates" don't count as great reasoning. Definitely a big ol' Pro when considering the option, but it can't be the only thing I get out of it that I couldn't here.
I really need to get my ass back in school, at least part time. My mom's wondering why the urge to move out and make friends and get out of the house hasn't motivated to applying and getting the ball rolling - but my thought is kind of like... isn't that what screwed me over the first time I went to college? I ended up not being there for me or for school. I wanted to go back every year to get out of my house, to be with my friends, to be in that awesome atmosphere. And lo and behold, I dropped out because I wasn't motivated by classes. So why would I want to start that cycle off straight away by only going back to school because I want to be in the social environment of it again and to move out.
Sure, I know I want to go in a different direction now, and I feel much, MUCH more strongly about it these days - but is it enough? I dunno. I'm pretty petrified about going back and failing again, just think if I failed all the way across the country? Again? I'd be screwed. So part of me just can't quite wrap my hand around the possibility of going far. The other part of me can't stand having found people I felt like I belonged with more than anyone, and willingly putting myself so far away from them. Especially if they're in the same sort of 'could-use-a-roommate' position I am. Mom says don't worry, you'll make new connections wherever you go... which I know will help a LOT. But... I want my old connections back, dammit. XD I feel so at ease living with Alexa and just sitting around doing our own things while having the other to bounce ideas off of, or tell each other about our day. Having her presence around last week, even if we were both doing different things on our laptops... that's how I always imagined it'd be if/when we'd get an apartment together. And then going out at night or just picking a free night to watch a movie together or go out...
Hell, I felt at home chilling with Rob and Rick, chatting happily about WoW, getting meals together, talking about money and work. And Chris, even for just the day, going shopping with him, discussing our current weight loss (or lack thereof). Then having Megan around for a week in February, talking about our schools and having each other to joke with again - and Kev, man, I forget how big of a connection we made sometimes since we don't talk often, but when we do get the chance to talk? Bam, it's like it's been a day. They were my FAMILY for four years. I was way more crushed about leaving them than my actual family, shouldn't that mean something? And Mom reminds me of the drama and it's like oh please. ANY group of friends has drama, just like our family has plenty of drama. Drama doesn't scare me. I know what soul-draining, regrettable friends feel like - the ones you DO want to avoid. And they're not them.
Hell, Allie and Eric need a live at home nanny. Even THAT's tempting. Maybe I should think about this when I'm not all wrapped up in the sheer emotion of missing my friends.
Or maybe I just take the fire it lit under my ass and run with it. All I know is thinking about it constantly since returning is exhausting.
So really, my only options if I really want to try and move to Florida are getting INSANELY lucky and somehow finding a job down there that's as good as my current one - or going back to school full time down there so that my parents would help a bit with rent. FAU looks to have a way nicer education program than I'd anticipated, so it's not... out of the question or anything, but there has to be a damn good reason to spend the money to move all the way down there and then subsequently spend the money I'd have to to travel home every holiday, yadda yadda - and I'm afraid "awesome roommates" don't count as great reasoning. Definitely a big ol' Pro when considering the option, but it can't be the only thing I get out of it that I couldn't here.
I really need to get my ass back in school, at least part time. My mom's wondering why the urge to move out and make friends and get out of the house hasn't motivated to applying and getting the ball rolling - but my thought is kind of like... isn't that what screwed me over the first time I went to college? I ended up not being there for me or for school. I wanted to go back every year to get out of my house, to be with my friends, to be in that awesome atmosphere. And lo and behold, I dropped out because I wasn't motivated by classes. So why would I want to start that cycle off straight away by only going back to school because I want to be in the social environment of it again and to move out.
Sure, I know I want to go in a different direction now, and I feel much, MUCH more strongly about it these days - but is it enough? I dunno. I'm pretty petrified about going back and failing again, just think if I failed all the way across the country? Again? I'd be screwed. So part of me just can't quite wrap my hand around the possibility of going far. The other part of me can't stand having found people I felt like I belonged with more than anyone, and willingly putting myself so far away from them. Especially if they're in the same sort of 'could-use-a-roommate' position I am. Mom says don't worry, you'll make new connections wherever you go... which I know will help a LOT. But... I want my old connections back, dammit. XD I feel so at ease living with Alexa and just sitting around doing our own things while having the other to bounce ideas off of, or tell each other about our day. Having her presence around last week, even if we were both doing different things on our laptops... that's how I always imagined it'd be if/when we'd get an apartment together. And then going out at night or just picking a free night to watch a movie together or go out...
Hell, I felt at home chilling with Rob and Rick, chatting happily about WoW, getting meals together, talking about money and work. And Chris, even for just the day, going shopping with him, discussing our current weight loss (or lack thereof). Then having Megan around for a week in February, talking about our schools and having each other to joke with again - and Kev, man, I forget how big of a connection we made sometimes since we don't talk often, but when we do get the chance to talk? Bam, it's like it's been a day. They were my FAMILY for four years. I was way more crushed about leaving them than my actual family, shouldn't that mean something? And Mom reminds me of the drama and it's like oh please. ANY group of friends has drama, just like our family has plenty of drama. Drama doesn't scare me. I know what soul-draining, regrettable friends feel like - the ones you DO want to avoid. And they're not them.
Hell, Allie and Eric need a live at home nanny. Even THAT's tempting. Maybe I should think about this when I'm not all wrapped up in the sheer emotion of missing my friends.
Or maybe I just take the fire it lit under my ass and run with it. All I know is thinking about it constantly since returning is exhausting.
2 comments:
Man, I wish I could have been in Florida while you visited. I really want to get everyone together sometime soon.
I just typed out a huge comment, then deleted it and figured it would be better for IM anyway. >_>;
im taking the plunge into poverty and moving to san fran...but the oppurtunity's there for education and what i want to do are pretty radtastic. i'll be needing a roommate! ;)
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