18. Stone Soup... I hate you.

UGH, I hate being a female and overemotional at times. Although, considering my usual track record I didn't actually break down today, so, I suppose that counts as a win for me? I don't know.

Had the kids to myself at play practice today and they decided because their teacher wasn't there they were going to be the most rambunctious group EVAR. I know they're all good, smart kids and I know I have it easy compared to teachers who deal with the kids who have severe behavior problems but I was ready to cry today after trying a few different ways to try and get them to calm down and quiet down enough so they could hear each other say the lines. They wouldn't pay attention so they never knew when to come in, they only see me as the computer lady and not a teacher with authority, so they don't hardly take me seriously. No matter what I did, they wouldn't STOP. I kept trying to remind myself, they're first graders, they're not going to actually ever sit still like you can expect from older age groups but at the same time, that wasn't particularly what I was asking for I was just asking them to listen to me and each other and it wasn't happening. Everything made them laugh, some just blatantly ignored me, some provoked others, and a couple even got pissed at the others because they were ruining rehearsal. It really doesn't help that I get them for this right after lunch when they normally will be outside burning off that little kid energy, but there's no other time in the day for it.

It was just embarrassing because there was a parent there watching since it was bring a special person to lunch day and even she felt the need to step in and tell them how disrespectful they were being. Maybe it'll be better when I have actual education training under my belt, maybe this age group just isn't my ideal age group to eventually teach, but it's days like these and moments like this where I question my ability to be a teacher. Because I know things could be much worse off, and I was getting so upset that a bunch of 6 year olds weren't taking me seriously? It feels a bit pathetic. Heh, one little girl who was obnoxious before I stopped them midrehearsal and sat them down to tell them how uncool their behavior was, spoke up afterward "C'mon guys! It's hard enough for her already!" I both adored her at that moment for being a mature enough human being to realise this wasn't easy for me, and wished she hadn't said anything because I'd hate to look like I can't handle it, especially to students. I mean, a sympathy/empathy plea can work with older age groups and did awesome when I was an RA with peers, buuuut for kids you're supposed to have ultimate authority over? I dunno. I just feel like jeez, if I get upset over this, what's in store for me when I'm a Real Live Teacher, and dealing with teenagers who do a lot worse than be loud at play practice.

I suppose all of these things help me get prepared for that. Not to mention I just haven't dealt with so many young kids in this capacity, where as I have done so with teenagers. So maybe it was just inner panic I was feeling at such unfamiliar territory. I do always have this voice in my head wondering what's taught as common practice when dealing with this age-range. And being in an actual school rather than a non-prophit organization camp has me all paranoid I'm going to handle things by going with my gut at some point and it's going to be completely against school policy or something cause as many times as I read the protocols, it's so vague and subjective. Sigh.

At least I got a lot of newsletter work done today. Productivity nom nom nom.

17. ita iz stoopid? maybee?

I get to half way and I nearly lose it - but I just haven't had a whole lot to write about. I mean, I got Wrath on Thursday night and that's pretty much all I've been doing beyond work and sleep since then. I'll be over my hardcore-ness once I reach 80 and all, but right now I've got guildies to keep up with. Gotta love feeling like you should be out of breath when you're sitting at a computer for hours at a time. Plus I have to say it's been awesome experience content for the first time with everyone else. Sure, people have already reached 80, but in terms of really enjoying new content with my friends and us all going into dungeons saying "who knows, let's do it" is so fun. Plus, Blizzard's really done a great job on most of these quests. They're almost all so much fun!

Today I did some stuff for work though. I shouldn't be bringing things home, but the lab at school literally doesn't have the resources for me to scan and crop this clip art that I need to, and I refuse to do it the old school way by photocopying the pages then trying to resize them with the copier to be just the right size and all tiny for the graphics of the newsletter. I was talking to my dad, and we starting discussing how a lot of things are getting frustrating because of the advancement of the technology in school. The computers in Colony 1 are probably the oldest in the school - granted, they're not that old. I mean, they're the computers that were big in the 90's, I used them in Jr. High. They're not quite back to big floppy disc Apple's that only had black screens with neon 8-bit colors that I used at these kids' age. (I'm not trying to sound old here, I know that in most terms even that isn't CRAZY long ago, but technology gets old fast.) They're old iMacs, most with the old OS 9. Apparently the only reason they haven't been updated to the much more compatible OS X like my desk's iMac is because the ita programs the kids use won't work on those. It uses HyperStudio, which I'd never heard of before working here but as far as I can tell it's like an old Mac version of an interactive PowerPoint? All the kids do is have slide they click through with a voice over reading things or asking them questions to answer, but the trick is that it records their answers, calculating their score and spitting it out at the end. Programming a bit beyond what I know at the moment. Also, only the iMacs support the ita font - which boggles me a little bit because if it's a font file, it should be compatible with most systems, unless Mac switched their font format somewhere in the last 10 years, which is completely possible.

So, while all that would be fine and good if they just said "we have these computers and will only use them for ita things", they're not. Teachers are asking me to have kids go play the educational games online, they want the ita font used in the newsletters I write on more recent operating systems, and they want to keep integrating new technology into their education. So - why don't we contact the ita foundation that gives us this grant to not only hire me but buy supplies for all the custom-made ita books, etc. and say can we have upgraded software? Key word is custom-made. Not only are the books created basically from scratch by staff here, so are the computer programs. The school had a woman with some background in animation and programming (I guess) make all these HyperStudio programs for the kids. It's her drawings in front of them, it's her voice reading the questions, everything. And she no longer works for us/with us, not to mention I heard she... wouldn't be available to ask about them, either. I have no idea why.

So, therein the dilemma. Bill, the tech-head for our side of the district elementary schools say he hopes to have the Colony 1 lab upgraded to all OS X operating systems next fall. Problem is, it literally can't be done with these ita programs holding us back. If you ignore my personal beliefs on ita that gives one simple solution, K-1 here is stuck because there's no getting rid of it. Stonebridge prides itself in this alphabet and it's use, even though most schools stopped it after the sixties.

I ponder aloud to my dad if that was a difference between me and the women who've held this position in the past. They were certainly capable with computers, but were they as tech-savvy as your average 22 year old? Or what about a fairly dorky and geeky 22 year old who spends half her life on the computer and is baffled at the mere concept that someone in the education field can't format a document in Word? I wonder if Kathy and Joan just dealt with what they had because it was all they new how to do wheras I'm sitting here analyzing what all could be changed for the better and literally how it could be done because the limitations are driving me nuts. Hell, maybe they investigated all the avenues I'm thinking, or if they haven't, wouldn't Bill have? He sure as hell knows a lot more about it than I do. But dad said maybe I should take it upon myself, if I have the time, to see what I can do to move things ahead. Of course, as he also said, there's a point where you just have to tolerate the resources you have and that's that, but the thing is I think we have more than we could be using, and I know already Bill wants to move in that direction too.

So the next course of action? Well, before I go forward and do all this shit, I need to consult people - make sure I'm not just overthinking things that have already been attempted and found impossible.

Questions for Kathy and/or Bill:
- Have they contacted the ita foundation about new software/an updated version of the font?
- Is there a new version of HyperStudio that can be looked into?
- Can't a new font be made somehow?

Aaaand back to kicking some Scourge ass.

16. 1,2,3,4, can I have a little more?

I'm officially half way through my NaNoBloMo, and haven't missed a day! Woo! Again, more Friday Five on Saturday! I'm doig more than one set though, because they're short:

1. Last party you went to?
- Corlett's going away/birthday party the weekend before she moved out to New York. It was fun! Played with Legos with her little nieces and had an awesome dinner and nummy cake.

2. Do you pee in the shower?
- Uh... no? That's slightly awkward.

3. Have you ever fired a gun?
- Nope. Guns terrify me, honestly. I'd be nervous to even hold one.

4. Where do you call home?
- Right now? Stillwater. At the house I grew up in. Sigh.

5. What's your favorite board game?
- I have a lot: Cranium, Clue, and Life are some of my favorites. I HATE MONOPOLY.

-----------------------------------------------------

1. What's your weather?
- Cold cold, been snowing a bit lately, but not enough to stick. Very wet.

2. Where are you on your way to?
- That's a loaded question. No where specifically. Forward in life?

3. Are you good with directions?
- Not really. I get lost a lot, but not cause I'm bad with directions, road things just tend to confuse m if I haven't been there before. I have a big tendency to miss things.

4. Do you know your neighbors?
- One set, yep! The Choinieres have been like a second family to me since we moved in. John and Dan are all off at grad school and college and having real lives and things now like I am, so I don't see my honorary brothers much anymore. But Becky is still so fun to chat with, I wish I saw her more. She's an awesome second mom. I don't know my other neighbors other than they've got a Jack Russel that they really need to TIE UP better cause he keeps getting loose and driving my dog nuts.

5. What do you smell?
- Not much, at the moment. My house, I guess. Little bit of constructiony smell from my dad cutting holes in our walls.

15. No means No!

What another day at work. I'm blogging now at the end of the day so I don't accidentally forget while WoWing it up tonight, but today was insane. This afternoon at one point I had one of those out of body experiences and saw myself in a movie - I stopped and put a hand to my head while ten 6 and 7 year old kids were all asking for my attention at once. I can just see the blurring, the voices of "Ms. Livermore? Ms. Livermoooooore!" in the background. Man. Barb was "sick" today, and she was supposed to have a sub, but I guess they couldn't get one or something because she definitely didn't. Then I got a call from the office saying that my usual Friday volunteer wouldn't be in again until December because she's now on crutches. Ouch. In both senses. So that leaves Tuesday AND Friday with no morning volunteers, and now that art's done, I'm getting a buttload of kids coming to me in the afternoon too. I felt so awful the whole time cause kdis come in and are either standing in line for ten minutes at a time or sitting there with their hands up for 5, waiting for me to go check their work. But what am I supposed to do?? WHY did both orange and yellow have to be sent at the SAME TIME this morning! And figures the one morning that there's pretty much no badges up on the badge board because instead of staying an extra 15 minutes like I usually do here yesterday afternoon to put up badges, I went home on time to play some WoW. Usually I ave time in the morning to go add badges to the badge board too, I didn't think anything of it. This was the first morning I had kids coming to me about no badges. That was intense.

Of course later, Mary, one of the other paras was just like "Why didn't you tell them you were full? Just send the kids back if you're overloaded." Heh. Oops. Duh, right? Well, I don't even know if that would work, because every time Barb tries that, the teachers are all "no, they're not, go back". Poor kids. I don't mind the afternoons as much because then I can at least have a little more easy-going conversation with the kids. JK, one of my favorites, brightens my day every day.. He comes on in to do Spelling Blaster every afternoon and hell, I don't even have to do anything with him. I give him a smile and a nod, he goes on back to his computer and just opens the program up and gets going no problem. It's brilliant. Plus the kid's just a cool guy. I used to play catch with him on the playground at recess and his mom volunteers every Wednesday morning - she's a pretty cool lady, so I guess it makes sense!

I was definitely in a Mood after lunch though. DST (Super Sweet Teacher is now Disturbingly Sweet Teacher) catches me while I'm handing out phone messages and asks me if I've taken pictures to send to the ita foundation people yet. What? Pictures? When there's a newsletter coming out in a week and a half, a play being put on in the same amount of time, you're sending me all thirty of your kids at once for 20 computers and I was supposed to be taking pictures since you mentioned it briefly as a 'what if' in passing yesterday afternoon AFTER making me send and format and edit your e-mail??

I said No.

And then I walked away.

14. With a little help from my friends...

Again, nothing too big today because I've got a mage to level with people, but I'm blogging again as per usual. Bit of a stressful day at work today - was multi-tasking about four things at once and finding out the back half of the lab wasn't as prepared as I'd previously thought. Plus a teacher having me proofread HER e-mails and e-mail them - what? It'd take 5 minutes to show her how she could do this herself instead of me taking thirty to get it done in between running around the lab and checking kids off. My dad calls it job security with a laugh - I call it inefficient and annoying. This is Super Sweet Teacher, and the whole adoring me and treating me like I'm ten years old while giving me a million things to do at once is getting old real fast.

Then I did the play rehearsal by myself today and damn do those kids not want to listen to me at all. I haven't had my temper tested as much as I did for that 20 minutes this whole time and then when they whined that they now couldn't go outside (because it took too long, because they would NOT LISTEN) I had to go immerse myself in lab work to cool off. Whew. They're six, what do they know, right? It's just hard to remember when a lot of the kids are so good and even the ones that are fiesty or unfocused at least aren't downright turds. Guess that's the way it goes though. In the afternoon I had a younger girl's sister come in and take her from the lab to go to divorce counseling. I know it's not uncommon, but I don't know it kind of struck me at the moment. Those poor girls.

Had an interesting conversation with the women at lunch today too. It came up the day before that I'd be up late and out at midnight for the release of Wrath (or to them, "Some Videogame") so they were laughing a bit at how tired I looked and wanted to know how the game was and all. I told them what I could, but it's not exactly easy for most (i.e. these) middle-aged moms to understand the concept or terminology of an MMORPG. One said he son does something similar, one kept asking me if it was like Halo, is it Halo?, I know people have those parties for Halo, but at least none of them were giving me the Videogames Are Bad speech. The woman with her son said something along the lines of "yeah my son does that, he gets all hooked up and talks to these complete stranger and they do battles together and all of this". Her expression told all her obvious confusion as to why anyone would want to team up with "complete strangers" for anything, let alone a fake fight of some sort.

I don't know why I found that so thought-provoking, but I did. I guess it's because I'd describe my online friends a lot of things, but the word 'stranger' would never have entered into it once. Whether it's WoW or my RPGs, these people have become as good of friends to me as most of the ones I made in high school, if not better. And not only that, they're all so different and diverse, I've always got people to go to for pretty much anything. Yes, of course, they're not quite like Megan, Kevin, Alexa, or Chris, we haven't experienced our lives together in the same way, but nonetheless some of them have bee there for me since before the senior year of high school. Some are artists, some are writers, some are teachers, many are students just like me. Some are older, some are younger, they include both men and women, many American but a good chunk not. It's just cool to think about. And with WoW and the ability for voice conversations? Raiding isn't just playing a video game with some strangers, it's a social activity that I really enjoy! Which, many probably think sounds sad, and even I get down when I have a night where I'd kill to just get out of the house with friends and I can't, but at this point in my life there's such a limbo. High school friends have moved, moved on, or I've lost touch. College friends will be lifelong, but they're not with me anymore, and we're all getting jobs or continuing school and having crazy new Real Lives to deal with. My dad tells me to just read a fucking book instead and I understand his point, but when it comes to the social aspects of the games, or the people online, this is really not only the most convenient but it's so expansive. Until I settle somewhere or go back to school where I'm put in a social environment every day, I'll certainly enjoy my time with my good friends online, whether I met them there originally, or they're old friends that I can only keep in touch that way. It's not sad, it's not like I sit in a dark bedroom and have no interaction all day with the outside world. I love my "complete strangers" thanks much - like them better than half the people I meet in real life, that's for sure, and I wouldn't have been able to survive the last year mentally without them.

I have been trying to think of ways to meet more people so when I go out for a night I have someone to do it with, but wow. It's proving difficult. What do Adults do for this?

13. WotLK

Edit:g-g-g-yeeeeeeeeah!

12. So let the people talk, it's a Monday morning walk...

Okay, so technically it's Tuesday, but it feels like Monday for me what with the kids not being around yesterday, and me starting my new goals today. So far, so good though - as per Megan's suggestion, I've started a blog just for it here. It's boring, I warn you - literally just a list of stuff for me to keep in mind and have for future reference.

It went well though! I love how me writing down what I eat, makes me not eat as horribly. Which is exactly what it's supposed to do, but yeah just thinking about "ew, I don't want to record that I ate that later" makes me think more about what I'm putting in my body. I successfully didn't grab anything on the way home from work and mid-drive, I realised I actually wasn't that tired... with Mom's plotting for us to exercise together and my new goals in mind, I literally paused at a stop sign, took into account that I was actually already wearing my tennis shoes and if I took off my suit jacket I would in fact be in a comfortable tank top and khakis.... I made a left turn to the gym. I even had an empty bottle in my car to fill when I got there. So I spent twenty minutes on the elliptical - sure - not a half hour. But just the fact that I went makes me happy and I realised I shouldn't push it since I think I forgot to stretch much and it's been a month since I last worked out hard. BUT I WENT. And now I'm fucking starving, but mom called and she should be home soon with pizza nom nom nom.

I almost had my afternoon productivity foiled by a lack of laundry detergent - have only enough for the load I put in! Noooooes. Maybe Mom has more hiding somewhere... and since my dad has put in the new TV mount I couldn't find the receiver for the speakers to plug in my iPod and rock out while doing things like I usually like to do at the time since no one's home.

On the upside, the laundry is being done, I haven't failed my goals on day one, and while there's Kara tonight - I don't have to feel bad. I exercised, did laundry, recorded my food, blogged, and it's cold enough out that I can wear the gorgeous scarf my brother got me in France. Ta da!

11. New goals...

So, I got into a bit of an argument with the parentals tonight. I don't know why I get so upset when discussing anything even remotely sensitive with my father, but I do. It might have been the way he started the conversation very negatively - it felt like he was trying to intimidate me out of considering moving out to an apartment. Now that I've calmed down, I know he just wants me to budget it all out before I keep wistfully dreaming of another place to live in the spring. It makes sense, I'm just so sensitive when it comes to my dad being critical of anything - even if he is right.

Ranted to Ryan a little bit about it, and in doing so kind of decided the only way to solve this is to figure it out, and figure it out well. He suggested I track my spending, which is pretty much an awesome idea. I think I can do that. And then when I started thinking about that, I thought about all these other things I should be doing. Yes, I've been using WoW as my social outlet, but maybe I should really think about it as such, and not be on from the time I get home from work to the time I go to bed. Every time I rehash that I actually do that, I cringe.

My dad and I got into another... not so much fight, but "discussion" before I came up to bed. He's frustrated, and frankly, so am I. I can't let my dad dictate what I do though, whether it's listening to him or going out of my way not to. If he's right, he's right, damn him for being so and for bringing it up the way he does, but that doesn't make him wrong.

He told me - now is THE time to work on myself. I'm working, and can live at home so I don't have to work so much that its all I do. I won't be going back to school until at least next fall... when else am I going to be able to have such freedom to really work on myself? Of course, this is all stuff I thought of last spring as well, but this time around, some things are different: a) I have a job that keeps me getting up in the morning and feeling productive every day, b) My college friends are all out having their own lives and doing their individual things, so there's no wallowing in self-pity about all the friend-gatherings I'm missing out on and c) I *do* have some long term goals in mind now that are realistic, and palpable, and give me a direction for my life to eventually follow rather than looking ahead and just seeing a huge cloud of black and scary UNCERTAINTY in the distance. And I thought about more - can I really do it this time? Can I try and start something and stick to it?

You know, I thought this NaNoBloPo would be fun, and yeah, a bit theraputic... but I'm on week 2 and honestly, really sticking to it has given me even more drive to do so, which means I stick to it more... and I feel like I could do that with something else too. Like recording my spending. Working out an hour every day. Recording my eating habits. 3 things. Kate made a whole list of NaNo's she's doing, one to smell pretty every day, one to grade some papers every day... you know, that's probably a lot better for her than just blogging.

I think, why I keep avoiding doing that other stuff is because it's not stuff I can say I'll do for fun for a month and then whatever, they're steps to change my life. And while those changes would be good, the idea of failing at them terrifies me. So I don't try. Which is the exact fucking reason I dropped out of school. If I don't try, I can always say "well, once I work out every day, I'll be fine" or "once I sit down and figure out my money, it'll be easy". But then I never do so that I can always pretend that it'll be fine when (another Kate-ism) Future!Meg gets all that stuff done. It's paralyzing, and it's hard to shake. Really hard. I've been trying for the last few years. I don't know, maybe I need some extra help to do it. Maybe I just haven't been trying in the right way. Or you know? Maybe I just simply haven't tried hard enough.

Fact of the matter is though - I did it in January. And I'm doing it now with this blog. I can do it with other things. And you know, maybe if I think of it like a monthly challenge at first just to start, keeping it up won't nearly seem that hard. I already feel like that about the blog. Now that I've started, I enjoy it. People are actually reading it (hello stalkers!) and I like looking back and seeing every day have a post. It makes me feel awesome. Which I thought it might which is why I went ahead to do it. So. Time to add a couple more challenges, starting slowly, because as Green Mountain did teach me - you will burn out if you try and change your entire life around at once.

1.) Blog every day.
2.) Go to the gym, take a walk, or lift weights, a half hour every weekday.
3.) Eat lunch at home 5/7 times a week.
4.) Track spending every day.
5.) Track food every day.

We'll start with that. And we'll see where it goes. And wow, this blog wasn't supposed to get so personal, so fast.

10. To sleep, perchance to... Dad, shut it!

I've realised the main reason I'm having trouble not forgetting to blog before the day is up is because I usually tend to write right before bed - and bedtime, especially for weekends for me is past the midnight deadline. My dad hates it, he's always giving me crap about going to bed earlier amongst other things. That seems to be his favorite as of late. I'm 22 years old, Father, I know it's healthier to go to bed earlier than I do - but I'm also not getting up at 6:30 in the morning every day. I can run on much less sleep than he can and sometimes even better if I have only 5 or 6 hours versus 9 or 10 because my body's so used to it. None of that matters for him, though, he just needs something to get on my case about - and it can't be my weight lately cause he knows I'll throw a million things I learned at Green Mountain at him if he does that, so it's all my other bad habits.

I'll go to bed if I'm tired, though! I don't think he realises this. I can force myself to stay up, but I don't really have a reason to. I've been missing out on talking to and hanging out with a bunch of friends because I've been going to bed around midnight or one versus three or four. I know, ridiculous sounding but when those friends are in different timezones, different countries, or don't get off of work until 10, it begins to make a bit more sense. And I became friends with them back when I had nothing to wake up for and stayed up most of the night anyway.

It's both harder and easier when I get up regularly. Harder to get up every morning, but much easier to force myself to bed at night. I feel the insomniac I was in college slowly ebbing away - It didn't even do it when I was getting up at 6:30 for camp during the summer - I'd still stay up until 5 to talk with people then sleep for an hour, get up at 6:30 to wake kids and go to breakfast, then I'd take a couple naps during the day. Now I'm definitely sleepy at night and haven't been late to work once yet when getting up in the morning.

So Dad can piss off. I'm not going to bed at 10:30.

9. Friday Five... on Saturday!

Again, I'm feeling really exhausted to blog, but I refuse to fail at this! So, since I've been thinking way too much lately - The Friday Five!

1. Could you live without your phone for 1 week for $500?
Easily! I've lost my phone too many times not to be able to live without it for a bit. It's frustrating, sure, but eh, I don't get tons of calls that I'd be missing and most people would just reach me online anyway.

2. Whom do you talk to on the phone the most?
That's a tough one. Hmmm... well I probably call home for short calls the most often but when it comes to length of calls + frequency calling, I'd probably say Megan at the moment. I'm beginning to feel like it's a Friday afternoon ritual to give her a call after I get off work.

3. Whom do you no longer talk to on the phone but wish you still did?
Whit. Alexa. Ummm... I dunno who else, really. I talked to Whit on Tuesday night after the election, actually and it was so much fun. But we don't talk often anymore and it just brightens my day whenever we do.

4. If you could get ahold of one celebrity phone number, whose digits would you want?
Paul McCartney, hands down. "Hey Paul! Send me lots of pics from your younger days. And teach me your bass lines? And you are amazing. kthxbai!"

5. Do you talk on the phone more or less than you used to?
Hmmm... when I do make calls, they're longer than they used to be in college cause I'm always catching up, but since I'm not calling people 10 times a day to update/get updated on them, meet for meals, see where they are, etc, it's less actual calls, so I dunno!